La Revedere (Goodbye)

   

     What a week. I have been thinking a lot about what I want to put into this final blog post about Romania because I have so much to say. First of all, I still cannot believe that I just lived in Romania for four months. It is surreal for me to look back on all of my pictures and think, "That is me? I was there?" This has been an experience of a lifetime and it went above and beyond all of my expectations. However, I fear that upon returning home it will seem as though I never left. I have learned so much on this trip but I am afraid of quickly losing sight of what I have learned once I get back into my normal pattern of daily life. My kids here touched my heart more than I could have ever hoped and I want to keep them in my heart forever. So here is my plan on how to remember my kids and everything they taught me for the rest of my life.
     1. I will never stop talking about them. I am sorry if you have the misfortune of coming into contact with me for the next few weeks or even months because I can promise you that I will find a way to bring up my kids and talk about them. How can I not? After all, they are my kids! I am one proud mama of them and like any prideful mom I want to share how incredible they are. I am sure that I will have countless reminders of each and every one of them every day. Whether it's when I drink water from a cup and think about how many times I drank imaginary water from a cup with my boys. Or when I hear the song "You are my Sunshine" which is the song I sang to my kids everyday when I fed them from a bottle. Or even when I see anything related to Disney because it will make me think of Bambi which is the name of my room in the orphanage. There will be reminders of my kids everywhere and I can't wait to share all of my stories about my kids with you.
     2. I will continue to serve those around me. Every day, I went into the orphanage expecting the opportunity to serve my kids and the workers at the orphanage in whatever ways I could. However, they did more service for me than I probably did for them! They always made sure that we had food to eat while the kids were at snack, they always made sure we were comfortable in the room and never overwhelmed with the kids. They made an effort to get to know us and wanted to know the small details about our lives back at home. I always left the orphanage with a full heart and so thankful for the love I was shown. This taught me to always show love towards and serve anyone who comes into my life. It is not always convenient and you don't always shave an obligation to do so. I was in the orphanage to love and serve and I was shown more love and service than any other time in my life. The joy of seeing that makes me have a greater desire to do the same for those around me.
     3. Never take anything for granted. If you have been following my blog posts then I'm sure you remember the many hardships I have had to deal with while living in a foreign country. For example, broken toilets, leaking pipes, a very large language barrier, several illnesses. I have taken my home, my education, my family, and my country for granted for my entire life. I hope that upon returning home I can be more thankful for the things I have and for the people in my life. I love my family and I don't know where I would be without them. Their love and support have allowed me to have come on this journey and I will forever be thankful to them for that. It is the greatest gift that they have given me.
     There is one last thing I would like to talk about before saying goodbye and beginning my journey home. The day I said goodbye to my kids. It was a day that the girls and I have been talking about since the beginning. We knew that it would be hard and that there would be many emotions but I don't think any of us were prepared. It was the hardest thing I have ever gone through. The entire day I managed to hold it together while thinking, "this is the last time I will do this." About ten minutes before it was time to say goodbye I started to lose it. We took the kids into the kitchen for lunch as usual and began the goodbye process. I told each child that I loved them, gave them each a bunch of kisses and big hug which they all gladly accepted. Most of them also gave me a kiss on the cheek then went back to focusing on their food. And that was it. To them it was just another day. They would see us on Monday and everything would resume as normal. I thought that might make it easier because they wouldn't be sad. But I think it made it harder for me because they didn't know that this was the end. I would never return to play with them. I also went and said goodbye to all of the kids sleeping in their cribs which was a special but sad moment. The tears eventually came (which for any of you who know me knows that that is a rare occurrence), and me and the other girls walked through the orphanage doors for the last time.
     This experience has changed my life. It has made me have a bigger desire to serve, a greater understanding of the love I receive from my parents and my Father in Heaven, a larger appreciation for cultures other than my own, and a deeper gratitude for the life I was given. It has made me more confident, more loving, more kind, and more willing to stand up for what I believe in. I am beyond grateful that I was able to learn so much with this experience and I can't wait to see where in life it will take me. Thank you for all of your love and support and following me on this extraordinary adventure. I can't wait to see you all soon!

Preparing for My Final Goodbye

     God is real. And God is good. The best way for me to describe this past week is a whirlwind of emotions. At the beginning of the week I was thinking about how hard it would be for me to say goodbye to my kiddos. How much I would miss this entire experience, both the good and the bad. I knew that as this weekend came closer, my emotions would get deeper. I knew that I would want to stay forever and couldn't bare the thought of leaving. Well, God knew it too. I prayed for help getting through this week and He answered my prayers in a few different ways.
     The first answered prayer came on Monday. My roommates and I all woke up with a bunch of bites all over our arms and legs that itched like none other. The doctor informed us that we must have a flea infestation. A few days later we found a huge cockroach sitting in the middle of our kitchen. None of my roommates were brave enough to deal with it so I was the lucky girl who got to pick up and flush the cockroach down the toilet. However, apparently they float and so it wouldn't flush! So I had to scoop it out of the toilet (with the toilet scrub brush) and fold it in toilet paper so it would go down. It was a rather proud moment of mine and I have video footage of the whole ordeal but it won't let me upload so just ask me in person next week if you really want to see it.
     Another way that my prayers were answered is the food situation here. I am definitely not a picky eater and I will eat or drink pretty much anything you put in front of me except licorice or milk. So although the food here is not ideal, I haven't had a problem eating it. However, once Monday came it was like a switch was flipped. I can barely eat any of the food they bring. Even the meals that I semi-enjoyed before taste gross. I never want to see cabbage ever again. At first I was annoyed with myself because I was so hungry all of the time! And I wanted so badly to just have normal food. Like Kraft Mac and Cheese. I hate Mac and Cheese out of the box but that is the one thing from home that I have missed the most. That and chocolate milkshakes. And Taco Bell.
     The final answer to my prayers occurred Tuesday afternoon while I was at the orphanage. I was feeding one of the little guys who is severely disabled and needs to be bottle fed. I laid him down on my lap so this head was resting on my legs and I had my head bent over smiling at him while I tried to get him to eat whatever questionable substance they put in the bottle. All of a sudden he coughed really loud and the only way I can describe what happened is this: imagine that his mouth was a whale's spout and instead of water coming out of the spout it was the entire contents of this little three year old boys stomach. So before I could even process what had happened, I was covered in throw up along with the poor boys face, my entire lap, my arms, the bed we were sitting on, and the poor little girl who was innocently sitting nearby. My first instinct was to yell for Katie (who was in the other room feeding another kid) to come and help. Then one of the workers came in and ran over and was trying to wipe it off of me the best she could while saying "sorry" over and over again. Soon after I was able to go and clean myself up and change into another set of scrubs but I was quite the scene before that. But I can now say that I have been projectile vomited on by a child so it brings me one step closer to motherhood. Sorry for the gross details but believe it or not I held back on most of them.
     These may not seem like answers to prayers but they made me have a bigger desire to go home to Oregon where there are no cockroaches and my chances of getting fleas and lice and other nasty bug infestations are very limited. Where Taco Bell is a short drive away, and Mac and Cheese can be bought and prepared in less than an hour. Where I won't have to worry everyday about whether I'll get bit, slobbered all over, or spit up on by my kids. Each night this week I would climb into my springy bed with scratchy blankets and count down the hours until I can be in my own warm bed at home.
     So now that you probably think I am a heartless person for looking forward to returning to my home, let me save my reputation. Yes, living in a foreign country is hard. Yes, I miss my friends and family. Yes, I can't wait until I can communicate with strangers again. But even after God sent me gross bugs, uncomfortable living situations, food that makes me sick, and even projectile vomit, leaving Romania will be the hardest thing I have ever experienced. The goodbye that is about to occur is worse than every single trial I have had to go through combined. I have tried to keep myself occupied this week and my mind filled with thoughts not related to the reality that is about to hit me head-on. Tomorrow will be full of heartache, tears, sadness, and many many hugs and kisses as I say goodbye to my kids for forever. Nevertheless I am thankful that I have something that makes saying goodbye so hard. I know that God sent me here to these angels and that he will help me get through parting from them. Because God is real. And God is good.

At the Orphanage!

This place has become my happy place and one of my favorite places in the world.

My last day at the hospital! It was sad to say goodbye to all of the sweet kids there.

With Romanian Santa!

Going to miss these girls so much!

Changing the World One Smile at a Time

     Good news everyone! I was able to have more dance parties this week. These spontaneous moments of joy occurred while I was visiting some of the orphans who are in the hospital. There is one particular girl who we visit quite frequently because she is in the hospital fairly often. She is probably two years old and has a skin condition that causes large sores and blisters all over her body. The doctors aren't sure what causes the wounds but one cause could be human contact. This means that we can't touch her and have to be careful with how we play with her. She is always stuck in her crib and constantly has her hands, feet, and most of her body wrapped up in bandages.
     Now that I've told you about this girl, let me really tell you about her. She is such a sweetheart. She is usually playing with a toy or eating a cookie when we come into her room and the only person who might smile bigger than she does when we see her is me. I have never seen this strong little girl upset. Her many bandages and constant pain never seem to phase her. Her quality of life at this point is not ideal but her quality of happiness is the most wonderful thing I can imagine one having.
     Our favorite thing to do with her is have dance parties. We put on music and dance around the room all crazy while she sits in her crib and watches. Occasionally she will bob her head along or clap her hands but most of the time she sits and stares at us like we are crazy. The nurses (who all obviously love this sweet girl) will often poke their heads in and laugh along with us at her amusement. At the end of the song she will always giggle and smile and clap for us. Dancing around in this girls room is something that I will genuinely miss and I will definitely be holding dance parties in her honor in the future. Like many of the children here, she has left her mark on my heart. She has taught me that appearances are next to nothing compared to our character. She has taught me not to complain ever again about blemishes on my face. But most of all she has taught me that I can do hard things. She was dealt a hard life and at two years old has chosen to live it with joy.
     When I first visited the hospital four long months ago I remember having a conversation with the other girls about the hardships the kids here have. We talked about how blessed we are to have been born into the families and lifestyles that we were born into. How it is not fair to these children to have been born into their situations. I have thought a lot about this and I have come up with an explanation. These children were sent here to change the world. They were given the hardships they were given in order to teach others important lessons that we would not otherwise learn. To teach us to be strong, to love others unconditionally, to be thankful for what we have, to be brave, be kind, be selfless. So why did I and so many others get to grow up in a safe and loving home in the most safe and secure place? I honestly think that it is because I might not have been strong enough. These kids who I have the blessing to interact with on a daily basis are the strongest humans that I have met. That is why they were chosen to be given the lifestyle that they have. Because they are strong enough.
     Although they are young, and fragile, and sometimes can be a bit of a handful, they are the ones who can change the world for the better. I believe that they have that ability. I know that there are hundreds of inspirational speakers and thousands of people who dedicate their lives to serving and helping others but the kids here have a special gift. They inspire, help, and bring joy to others simply by living. By existing. And I will forever be thankful for them.

Here are some pictures from the past week:

It was pretty cold this week and so we had to get creative with how to stay warm.

This adorable puppy followed me home all the way from the orphanage and sat outside my building whining when I had to go inside without him. It broke my heart that I couldn't keep him!

Me and all of the girls in the orphanage!

This is Teo. She does so much for the kids in the orphanage and is the greatest example of kindness and selflessness that I have seen. I will miss her a lot.

We sang in church today for a special Christmas music program. Regan and I were matching! 

These are the girl and sister missionaries who sang with us. The Elder's sang too but are not in the picture.

Tender Mercies and Spontaneous Dance Parties

     A few nights ago I had a dream that had a really big impact on me. In this dream I was home in Oregon and I was at my grandparent's with all of my family members. My aunts, uncles, and cousins were all there and the dream seemed very realistic. In the dream my family members were all asking me about my time in Romania and I was enthusiastically telling them all about my kids. I was telling them that I still had two more weeks to spend time with them, when all of a sudden I realized that I was already home in Oregon. In my dream I started to panic. Where did my last two weeks go? I should still have time with my kids. I never got to say goodbye. How will they know how much I love them? I had a pretty dramatic meltdown at the realization that my final two weeks here in Romania had disappeared and I did not get the chance to say my final goodbye's.
     When I woke up from my dream I remembered the details pretty vividly. I was very upset and thought about how horrible of a dream it was. And how awful it would be if it actually came true. After pondering this dream all day and sharing it with some of the other girls here, I came to the realization that my dream was actually a huge blessing. It gave me perspective that I was too afraid to gain on my own. I did not want to allow myself to think that I would be leaving my kids for forever in fourteen days. That I only had ten more opportunities to walk into that wonderful room to be greeted by their beautiful faces. That I would only get to visit the hospital three more times and see my kids at the apartments one final time on Tuesday. I had been avoiding reality and all of the pain and sadness and finality that it held. This dream opened the gates to it all and allowed me to see clearly that my time in Romania is quickly coming to an end and, more importantly, helped me understand the significance of that.
     When I return home to America, I don't want to wonder where my final two weeks went. I want to make my final moments with my kids count. I want to be able to properly say goodbye to each and every one of them. And I do not want any of my kids to doubt the extreme amount of love that I hold for them. So I made myself a promise. For my last two weeks I am going to make every moment count. I will memorize the dimples in the cheeks of their smiling faces and the sound of each unique giggle that escapes each of their mouths. I will show extra interest and excitement in the small victories that my kids achieve each and every day. I will be extra helpful for the workers in the orphanage to help lighten the load for them. I want to leave Romania with no regrets and with the knowledge that I did everything I could to help my kids before I left.
     This promise extends beyond the orphanage. I also want to embrace the culture here in Romania as much as I can before I leave. Before I came here I did not know much about Romania and it was not a significant country to me. However, I can confidently leave here considering it my second home. I have grown to love the people and the places and even the annoyingly obnoxious pigeons that are literally everywhere. This past week was National Day in Romania which is like their Independence Day. They turned on all of the Christmas lights around the city and had music playing and shops set up everywhere. We went out to see it all one night and as I was walking along the streets with all of the locals, I couldn't help but feel joy and love towards them all. We bought mini Romanian flags and waved them all around the city showing our Romanian pride. I will cherish that little flag for a long time.
     One thing that I have missed more than I thought I would while living in Romania is singing and dancing and rocking out to music. At home, I love having spontaneous dance parties and rocking out to music in my car whenever I have to drive somewhere. I have not had any opportunities to do this in Romania UNTIL this past week. I was at one of the apartments with another girl and we were hanging out and playing with four kids between the ages of one and five. We had about fifteen minutes until we had to leave and the worker put on some music for us to dance to. Usually the music is in Romanian or children's music that is impossible to dance to. However, this time it was real music that I could totally rock out to! I started dancing and the kids sorta just sat there and looked at me like I was crazy at first but soon they joined in and we started our own little full-on dance party. I scooped up one of the boys and we were bouncing around the room while I pulled out my best moves. As the room filled up with excitement and laughter, my heart was filling up with love and joy.
     As I was leaving the apartment, I came to the realization that this was my last time at this specific apartment and that I would have to say my final goodbye's. I gave them each a big hug and a kiss, said "bu bye" and left the apartment with nothing but good memories and a saddened but full heart. I have come to recognize that there are so many small tender mercies around us that we need to do a better job at recognizing and appreciating. They can be as simple as a spontaneous dance party with toddlers, a hug from a child you thought was afraid of you, or even a bad dream that gives you some needed perspective. So what are some small tender mercies that you have received lately? I promise that if you take the time to think about it, you can find tender mercies almost anywhere. And if you can't think of any, I recommend having a spontaneous dance party with some toddlers. It's bound to bring a smile to your face and that in itself is one of the greatest tender mercies of all.

Me with some of my roommates. It is getting very cold here and we have to bundle up whenever we leave the house.

At church! Only a few Sunday's left and I will miss the small but faithful branch members here!

These are the apartments where some of the orphans live that we visit each day.

Celebrating National Day!

The Romanian flag projected onto the Palace.

Me with my Romanian Flag!