Teaching: The Good, The Bad, and the Slime

Today was a hard day. It was a day that I will remember later on in life when I think back to teaching. It was the day that I understood that teaching is hard. However, I cannot put all of the blame on my students. There are a few reasons as to why it was a hard day.

First, Thanksgiving is in one week. They get a really long break where they can play and eat and sleep and then play and eat some more. Many of them are going out of town as they eagerly told me, and I know how exciting that is for them. The second reason is my fault. I had them make slime in science. Of course they were all telling me, "Mrs. Schow your the best teacher ever!" and "This Science class is awesome!" as they were up to their elbows in sticky gooey slime. Externally I was all smiles and excitement for them as I too was up to my elbows helping the slow movers speed up their slime making. Internally, was less pleasant. I was thinking, "Well if I've learned one thing today it is that we are NOT making slime next year!" We finally got the slime cleaned up and I lined up my Science class to return to my homeroom. As they exited and my class entered I was so relieved that the day was almost over and my own sweet, kind, obedient class had returned.

Well, apparently my class decided to be naughty. Very naughty. Like screaming and running around the classroom while I'm frantically trying to figure out whose lunchbox is still in the lunch bin (it was the screamer's). When they all calmed down and I lectured them on the importance of not acting like Kindergartners, the bell rang and my students filed out one by one. There was one girl who normally has a difficult time following directions and throughout the chaos I was trying to get her attention. She was not listening because she was busy doodling on a piece of paper at her desk like she normal is. I voiced my frustration that she was not listening and told her to clean up her area. That was the last thought I had about it.

When the last student finally left my classroom, I emptied the trash cans and put them in the hallway. As I was about to walk back into my class, one of my math students who is the sweetest boy I have ever met came up and gave me one of his teddy bear hugs. He said "Thanks for being such a great math teacher Mrs. Schow!" I said, "Thank you. That is just what I needed at the end of a long day". He looked me, smiled, tilted his head to the side and said, "Yeah. Long days are hard but hugs can always make them better." How true is that!

After closing my classroom door and wiping up the mess at the sink, another student came into my classroom. This student is probably my hardest. He does not do his work, shuts down if I tell him to do something, and does many things to push my buttons. I was surprised to see him walk through the door and intrigued at what he wanted. He walked right up to me and opened his arms and gave me a hug. As his little arms embraced me, tears filled my eyes. He said, "Thank you Mrs. Schow. You are the best teacher!" I said, "Thanks bud!" Then he let go and said, "It's been a tough week. But I will see you tomorrow morning in math". He smiled and shut my door as I stood there in shock. This is a student who I can never get any words out of about how he is feeling or what he is thinking. For him to express that he has had a hard week was a miracle. It made me realize that I was gaining his trust. I was starting to be someone who he could talk to and rely on.

After he left I was still pretty frustrated with the day. I went downstairs to vent to a friend. When I returned to my classroom someone had left this cute little note on my computer. It was in an envelope with some yarn poorly tied around it. I was confused and thought about who it might be. A teacher? An instructor? Most students had left. I untied the cute yarn and opened the sealed envelope. Inside was a note from one of my students. The girl who had been doodling at her desk while I kept telling her to stop and listen. The note read, "You are the best teacher I've ever had and I love the stories about funny stuff that happened to you." Again my heart was full and I couldn't help but tear up.

These kids are smarter than we realize. When my students left I was thinking about how self-centered they are and how they are oblivious to me and the outside world. However, these were three separate instances when my students recognized that I might need a little extra love. They notice things. They want to express their love and appreciation. And whether its a hug, or cute little note, or even a thank you, it means the world to me.

So today was a hard day. The hardest day that I have had as a teacher. And the first day I wondered why I'm doing it. But it is the 64th day of knowing that every second of being a teacher is worth it. And at the end of the day, as I leave my classroom and lock the door behind me, I can't help but wonder what amazing things my students will teach me tomorrow.

Letting the Love Live On

When I was in Romania I loved writing my blog posts. I looked forward to them every week. Not only was I eager to share all of my crazy adventures and brag about my wonderful babies and experiences, but I loved the simple act of writing. It was a passion I discovered in Europe, but did not bring home with me when I returned to America. Since then I often think about writing blogs and get excited when I actually sit down and pull up a blank page. However, I soon get overwhelmed, or underwhelmed, about what to write about, and instead of releasing my many thoughts and ideas, I give up and close the computer. In Romania, I had an easy focus and often found myself refraining from pouring out pages upon pages of writing. Now, I feel as though my life is extremely ordinary and my writing would just be a summary of my boring life events. I still think that every day brings an adventure, but they are adventures that only myself and Tyler embark on and I’m afraid that no one else would find them interesting. So, I decided to return to my old focus and incorporate the lessons I learned in Romania to my life now. Each week or two I will try to think of a new lesson that I learned in Romania and share it with you all about how it is now influencing my life. I always said that I wanted the influence that my kids had on me to have an influence on the whole world, and this is one way that I can help make that happen. And, since a few weeks ago marked my two year reunion of meeting the kids I worked with-I figured the timing was perfect.

The first lesson:  Be thankful for literally everything you have.

For those of you who did not get to read my posts about the kids in the orphanage I worked in, I will give a short summary. Almost all of the kids have disabilities. Many have multiple disabilities and some do not even have their sight or hearing. I still remember the feeling I would get when I would simply place my hand on their tummies and see the brightest and most joyful smile appear on their face. Or when one of the girls was learning how to walk on her own and after taking each step would look up into my face and show me how proud she was and seek praise with her eyes because it was her only form of communication. Not only did I have a language barrier with the kids, but a communication barrier of every other kind except for smiles and giggles that they would reward me with. Other than a lack of communication, these kids also had a lack of clothing, toys, families, and most importantly: love. Spending my time with them made me realize how thankful I should be for literally everything I have in my life. When I returned home I thought about how grateful I was to be living in the United States and made a point to appreciate everything I have been blessed with.

Each day I find myself thinking about my kids and how much I miss them. These thoughts remind me to be thankful for what I have and to appreciate them more openly. So in honor of them, here are some things that I am thankful for this week:

1. I am thankful for a home that I get to share with my wonderful husband. We just recently moved to Provo and although it is not as nice as where we were previously living, I couldn't help but constantly think about how I am thankful that it has a working washer, does not have a crazy bird living in my pantry, and does not have exploding pipes in the kitchen (read some of my first few posts of living in Romania for those stories). And I will FOREVER be thankful that it has a working toilet. I will always be thankful for a working toilet.

2. I am thankful that I was able to get an education and have an amazing job. I complained about school a lot. I wanted to be done and move on to the more exciting parts of my life. But now that I am done with school, a part of me misses it. I think about all of the things I learned and experiences I was able to have and the people I was able to meet. In fact, if it wasn't for school, I would not have gone to Romania. So really, I will forever be thankful for school. My schooling also allowed me to find my job. I love working with the students that I work with now. In a way I feel as though I am honoring my kids in Romania. I am drawn to children who struggle with communicating and learning and I want so badly to help them. I saw it in Romania, and now I get to see it every single day and hopefully make a difference in their lives. My kids in Romania will never have the opportunity to attend school, meet new people, and have those life experiences that come with it. Thinking about this makes my heart break and I want to live life to the fullest simply because I have the ability to do that when I know so many others don't.

3. I am thankful for food. This one you may think is silly because I've always said I was thankful for food in the past, but I am REALLY thankful for food after Romania. I am thankful that I can cook whatever I want to in a fully equipped kitchen whenever I want. I am thankful that we have so many choices of fast food that I can drive to within 10 minutes. But first and foremost, I am thankful that cabbage is a rarely used and easily avoidable in the American diet.

4. Most importantly, I am thankful for family. Seeing my kids find joy in life through the simple things would always make me smile. However, my heart always ached for them knowing that they would never know the true joy of having a family and feeling their love. My family has always supported me and loved me unconditionally. My husband does so much for me and makes me feel confident and loved. My new family in law has accepted me and loved me as their own. And my many friends have shown their support and appreciation for me as well. I cannot think of words to express how thankful I am for all of them, but I only hope that I can show my love and appreciation for my family and friends in my life. So from my very full heart: to all of my friends and family reading this- THANK YOU! Thank you for reading my posts when I was in Romania and thank you for humoring me long enough to read the one's since and letting my beautiful kids in Romania continue to influence you for the better.

So this week try and think about something you are thankful for. One of my favorite quotes is, "Look for something positive in each day, even if some days you have to look a little harder". I know it can be difficult on those harder days to find something to be thankful for. Even if the positive event is simply making someone else smile, or being able to eat your favorite candy bar, it is worth being thankful for.

The Simple Adventures of Life

Hello friends, family, and strangers who are reading this. I have not written a post in a while so I thought I'd throw one together to update you on my incredibly interesting and adventurous life. Just kidding, its pretty ordinary at the moment but honestly-I wouldn't have it any other way. At the moment there are four different categories that make up the life of Carrie Schow. Those categories are (in no particular order) 1. School 2. Work 3. Tyler 4. Personal Free Time. As you can tell I live a very original and exciting life (sarcasm again). So if you don't mind me rambling on about what I am spending my time doing these days, please continue to read on. If not, well at least you got the summary.

1. School
77 DAYS UNTIL I GRADUATE AND CAN END THE ERA OF POINTLESS LEARNING IN MY LIFE. I'm totally kidding about the pointless learning. I think a education is very valuable and I enjoy learning about how tiny humans develop. My graduating degree will be a Bachelor in Family Life with an Emphasis in Human Development. This semester I only have 1 class that I have to attend and the rest are online. Luckily, all of my classes are interesting so I am fortunate to actually enjoy the final semester of school. Overall, choosing to study human development my freshman year has been one of the greatest blessings of my life. I love learning about children and why they are the way that they are and how to best help them develop healthy relationships, personality traits, and habits. More importantly, it has totally prepared me to be mom of the year someday. Or at least not totally screw up my future children. Also more importantly, choosing this major has led me to my current job which I absolutely love.

Typical selfie

2. Work
When I would tell people that I am studying "Human Development" they usually would look at me rather blankly and say "oh that's cool. . ." take a long pause. . . and then say, "So like...what do you wanna do with that?" (Or in other words-what the heck CAN you do with that???). In my mind I'd be saying something like "Be a mom, duh" or "I have absolutely no clue to be completely honest". But I would usually tell them, "I'm not sure yet but something that involves working with kids". Well everyone-I have found that something! I currently work at a public charter school with elementary school children in the Special Education Department. When I chose to take this job many people warned me that I would get burnt out and that it would be exhausting. Well guess what? I'm just about burnt out and I'm exhausted at the end of every day. But the kids that I get to work with are some of the funniest, sweetest, sassiest kids who I absolutely love. They make me laugh every single day. At the same time, they make me chase them down the halls or hand me snot filled Kleenexes every day as well. But I always come home with a new story and reason as to why I love my job. It is very rewarding and I love watching them learn and grow.

Us just livin' life

3. Tyler
Well, we're just about at our 7 month mark of marriage! So far, it has been totally awesome. This semester Tyler is also taking mostly online classes which makes his work schedule much more flexible. He has been jumping around new accounts at work which has influenced his hours a little bit but we are on a mostly regular 8-5 schedule together. He decided to run a marathon in June which he is training for. I decided to do something totally absurd and signed up for the 10k (in the same race). I have never run that much in my life so we'll see how it goes. We are currently teaching the 5-6 year olds in Primary which is fun for us most weeks. Just kidding, we love our kids. All I really have to say about Tyler is that he's the best. I leave our house every day already missing him and come home as excited to see him as I was when we first started dating. He really is my best friend and I can't imagine going through life without him.

On our way to teach our Primary class... apparently we enjoy taking duck face car selfies...

4. Personal Free Time
To be completely honest most of my free time involves catching up on the latest episodes of This is Us, Greys Anatomy, The Good Doctor, and The Bachelor. However, I do keep up with cooking, cleaning, laundry, and taking care of our five chicken children (Matilda, Delores, Francine, Georgia, and Nugget). I think the chickens and I are finally bonding. Oh yes-I also spend a few hours every few days trying to motivate myself to spend 30 minutes on the treadmill. . . ya know, 10k coming up and such?

Well that pretty much sums up my life. I am not exploring the islands of Greece or enjoying the beautiful streets of Italy like I was a little over a year ago. But you know what? I am exploring what it is like to be a wife and enjoying the new experiences I have each and every day. And that is why life is so, so good.

The Legacy of the Kissing Frog

   Let me introduce you to the Legacy of the Kissing Frog. The Kissing Frog has been passed down through my family for years. To my knowledge, it began with my oldest cousin when she went off to college. She had in her possession a stuffed green frog that is about the size of a basketball. It had big red puckered lips and when you squeeze its tummy it makes three loud distinct obnoxious kissing sounds. It was believed that this frog would give her luck in her love life and if she displayed the frog on her pillow each day, it would one day bring to her a handsome prince.
   Like any reasonable boy crazy girl, she diligently displayed that frog on her pillow and awaited for the promised prince to sweep her off of her feet. Eventually, he came. She married a great guy and they are living happily ever after. But the Kissing Frog lived on! Once married, my cousin passed the Kissing Frog onto her younger sister so that it could bring her good luck as well. She faithfully used the magic of the kissing frog and found a wonderful man who she married and is living happily ever after with. That ended the line of sisters in their immediate family and so they decided to pass on the frog to their dear younger cousin who was headed off to her first semester of college and ready to find her prince. Which is how I ended up with the Kissing Frog.

   By the time I had possession of the frog, it's big puckered lips had fallen off and there was a small hole in the left arm that had white cotton threatening to pop out at any second. However, they made sure I knew of the legacy and that I would place the frog on my bed every day until I met the man I was going to marry. I faithfully followed in my older cousins footsteps and waited until a man was brought forth. And I waited. And waited. And then waited just a little longer. Until I went off to Romania to explore the world. Then when I returned, I decided to keep the frog displayed on my bed because I hadn't lost all hope. And then I met my prince, Tyler Schow.
   Tyler proposed to me while we were on a trip to Las Vegas and when I returned home I remember walking into my room, looking at the frog sitting on my bed, and smiling. I walked over to it, sat on my bed, picked it up, and thought, "Thanks Kissing Frog, you've gone above and beyond for me. You've given me an extraordinary prince". And then I retired the Kissing Frog from my pillows and stored him in a safe place until I pass him along to another girl seeking a little magic.
   Tyler and I have been engaged for four months now. That's how long it has been since my last blog post as well. A lot has happened in four months. There have been finals, moving, vacations, visits from family, Tyler's sister leaving on her mission, my brother returning from his, and of course wedding planning. But the most important thing that has happened is that my love for Tyler has continued to grow every single day to a greater amount than I could ever have imagined. I didn't know what love was until I met Tyler. To me, Tyler is love. He is the epitome of all things good in my life. He is kind, and patient. Funny and charming. Thoughtful and genuine. He pushes me to be the best version of myself and yet I know that he will love me no matter what I am. I have always considered myself a fairly happy and optimistic person. But Tyler continues to make my days a little brighter, my load a little lighter, and my smile a little wider.
    In one week I will marry Tyler. I view that moment as both an end and a beginning. It is the end of a big part of my life. The end of independence and single hood. But I view it as an even bigger beginning. I will not only depend on Tyler but he will depend on me. I will no longer be single but as a pair, a partnership, a team. Many people have said that I will lose a lot of my freedom. I will no longer be able to travel whenever, wherever, or however I want. I wont be as motivated to strive towards greatness, or achieve many of my goals. However, I see it as having a huge support and partner beside me throughout all of those wonderful things. And I will achieve even more greatness. Because Tyler's success will be my success.
   I have already traveled the world. I have seen many amazing places and met some incredible people. But I truly believe that in seven days I will start my greatest adventure of all. And I will forever be thankful to the Legacy of the Kissing Frog for helping me get here.

The Beginning

     On Friday March 10th I lost the only bet that I will ever be eternally thankful for losing. While I was in Romania last semester a common topic of conversation between the other volunteers was who they thought would get married first after we got back to the States. They each individually decided that the obvious answer was me. They thought that I would get engaged very soon after returning to Brigham Young University. I thought they were all insane. I was as single as ever, excited to return to school to focus on becoming a Child Life Specialist and eager to return to Europe to volunteer again as soon as possible. I thought I was far away from marriage. I was so confident in this that I made a bet with one of the girls who bet me $5 that I would get engaged by the end of the semester. So I returned home confident in my single life.

Me Happily in Romania

     Many people think that my story with Tyler began at the beginning of this year. However, our story actually began in the Fall of 2014. I had just started school at Brigham Young and was probably a little too eager to start dating. After a few months of no luck my roommate and good friend Shelby told me that I absolutely HAD to start writing her best friend Tyler on a mission who was the cutest and sweetest and nicest thing ever. After doing some Facebook stalking and hearing countless stories from Shelby about this mysterious boy, I decided to write to him. I sent my first email on October 27th 2014. We emailed back and forth every week until Tyler sent his last email on December 1st which for some CRAZY reason I didn't respond to. However, I still received the weekly emails he sent to everyone so every Monday morning I was reminded of Tyler and the fact that he was righteously serving a mission. One day during this time period, I ran into my friend Holly who had served with Tyler in the Carlsbad mission! I told her we had been writing and she pretty much freaked out going on and on about how wonderful he was and that I had to marry him. I thought it was funny and coincidental that they also knew each other, but had so many other things going on in my life I didn't really think anything else about it. That is when our story pauses for a few years.

Tyler on his mission. How cute is he??

     During the next two years, I dated multiple boys, was single for some time, decided to go to Romania, and learned a lot about myself and who I am, what I want, and who I want to marry. Soon after Tyler returned from his mission, I was flying off to foreign lands. While I was in Romania I started to notice Tyler on social media and decided I needed the opportunity to get to know this boy. I sent way too many texts to Shelby telling her to tell him to ask me out when I got home and she assured me that he wanted to take me out. When I returned to BYU I went on quite a few first dates but continued to be confident in my single life.
     On Monday January 16th I was sitting in bed watching Netflix when a text message popped up on my phone. The message was from an unknown number and said, "Hey Carrie, its Tyler. I got your number from Holly." I immediately knew who it was and felt a feeling that I'm not sure I had ever felt before: butterflies. We began texting nonstop and it took the boy like 3 days to finally ask me on a date! And that is where our story takes off.

Our first date!

     I was immediately impressed with Tyler. I have to admit, he was nothing like I expected. He was confident and kind, funny and easy to talk to, and SO CUTE. Our first date was so much fun! He took me skittle bowling with his siblings and their dates and I knew right off that I would love his family. After our first date I made sure to see him again a few days later when he asked me out again. After the third date I knew I was hooked. I cancelled all other dates I had that weekend and focused all of my attention on Tyler. My plan was to wait a few weeks before telling him that I wanted to date seriously but only a week after our first date I embarrassingly blurted out that I didn't want to date anyone else. THANKFULLY he felt the exact same way. So we became official. He also told me that he loved me that night. I know, the initial reaction is "WHAT?!?". Honestly that was my initial reaction too. But it only took me a few minutes to gather my thoughts and realize that I loved him too. Call us crazy but we were sure of it and it just felt right.

     Let's fast forward a week. During this week I knew I was gonna marry Tyler. But obviously only a crazy person would tell someone they wanted to marry them only two weeks after meeting them. Guess what everyone? I am a crazy person. Exactly one week after becoming official (and sitting in the exact same place) I again blurted out to Tyler that I wasn't dating him just to date him and that I wanted to be with him forever. Yes, another "WHAT?!?" reaction. But sweet Tyler just looked at me and smiled and told me the exact same thing. So we decided we were gonna marry each other. Obviously a lot of thought and prayer went into this decision but I just knew it was right. I didn't want to date Tyler for another six months just because it was the standard thing to do. I loved this boy and I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him and so why the heck wait? We decided to keep it a secret and date for a while though before getting officially engaged.
     The whole "keep it a secret" thing didn't  really work out and we quickly told our families. Keeping it a secret was nearly impossible!! So then we were like "Well why wait so long to get engaged?". I thought he would wait until after travelling to Oregon so that he could talk to my dad. Little to my knowledge, he had already gotten the ring, snuck my dads phone number out of my phone and gotten his permission, and was all ready to pop the question well before our trip to Oregon.

     On March 10th we were on our way down to Vegas to celebrate his sisters birthdays and we decided to stop in Saint George. We had dinner then traveled up to Dixie Rock to "take some pictures". When we were up there taking pictures he gave me a hug and said he loved me and had a question for me. Next thing I know he was on his knee asking me if I would marry him. The poor guy could barely get the question out soon enough before I was pulling him up telling him YES. We all celebrated with pictures and lots of screaming and there were even fireworks in the distance!

     After the excitement died down Tyler pulled me aside and told me what he was planning on telling me before I pulled him up off of his knee. When I was a little girl I asked my dad who painted the beautiful sunsets I saw every night. My dad assured me that he painted each sunset just for me. That was a very special moment and I cherish each and every sunset I see because it reminds me of my dad and how much he loves me. Tyler knew about this and how important sunsets were to me so he made sure to propose during a sunset. He then asked me if I would let him paint all of the sunsets for our future children. Okay guys seriously??? Talk about melting a girls heart.

This pretty much sums us up. We "ink" we're really cool.

     I know this is quick. My relationship with Tyler has been unconventional. But each and every day I learn something new about Tyler that makes me more and more sure that I want to marry him. He is the love of my life and makes me want to be the best person that I possibly can be. And each and every day I am going to try my best to become that person and I can't wait to see all of the sunsets Tyler will paint for me. So although I lost $5 in my bet, I seriously gained the lottery in the future husband department.

La Revedere (Goodbye)

   

     What a week. I have been thinking a lot about what I want to put into this final blog post about Romania because I have so much to say. First of all, I still cannot believe that I just lived in Romania for four months. It is surreal for me to look back on all of my pictures and think, "That is me? I was there?" This has been an experience of a lifetime and it went above and beyond all of my expectations. However, I fear that upon returning home it will seem as though I never left. I have learned so much on this trip but I am afraid of quickly losing sight of what I have learned once I get back into my normal pattern of daily life. My kids here touched my heart more than I could have ever hoped and I want to keep them in my heart forever. So here is my plan on how to remember my kids and everything they taught me for the rest of my life.
     1. I will never stop talking about them. I am sorry if you have the misfortune of coming into contact with me for the next few weeks or even months because I can promise you that I will find a way to bring up my kids and talk about them. How can I not? After all, they are my kids! I am one proud mama of them and like any prideful mom I want to share how incredible they are. I am sure that I will have countless reminders of each and every one of them every day. Whether it's when I drink water from a cup and think about how many times I drank imaginary water from a cup with my boys. Or when I hear the song "You are my Sunshine" which is the song I sang to my kids everyday when I fed them from a bottle. Or even when I see anything related to Disney because it will make me think of Bambi which is the name of my room in the orphanage. There will be reminders of my kids everywhere and I can't wait to share all of my stories about my kids with you.
     2. I will continue to serve those around me. Every day, I went into the orphanage expecting the opportunity to serve my kids and the workers at the orphanage in whatever ways I could. However, they did more service for me than I probably did for them! They always made sure that we had food to eat while the kids were at snack, they always made sure we were comfortable in the room and never overwhelmed with the kids. They made an effort to get to know us and wanted to know the small details about our lives back at home. I always left the orphanage with a full heart and so thankful for the love I was shown. This taught me to always show love towards and serve anyone who comes into my life. It is not always convenient and you don't always shave an obligation to do so. I was in the orphanage to love and serve and I was shown more love and service than any other time in my life. The joy of seeing that makes me have a greater desire to do the same for those around me.
     3. Never take anything for granted. If you have been following my blog posts then I'm sure you remember the many hardships I have had to deal with while living in a foreign country. For example, broken toilets, leaking pipes, a very large language barrier, several illnesses. I have taken my home, my education, my family, and my country for granted for my entire life. I hope that upon returning home I can be more thankful for the things I have and for the people in my life. I love my family and I don't know where I would be without them. Their love and support have allowed me to have come on this journey and I will forever be thankful to them for that. It is the greatest gift that they have given me.
     There is one last thing I would like to talk about before saying goodbye and beginning my journey home. The day I said goodbye to my kids. It was a day that the girls and I have been talking about since the beginning. We knew that it would be hard and that there would be many emotions but I don't think any of us were prepared. It was the hardest thing I have ever gone through. The entire day I managed to hold it together while thinking, "this is the last time I will do this." About ten minutes before it was time to say goodbye I started to lose it. We took the kids into the kitchen for lunch as usual and began the goodbye process. I told each child that I loved them, gave them each a bunch of kisses and big hug which they all gladly accepted. Most of them also gave me a kiss on the cheek then went back to focusing on their food. And that was it. To them it was just another day. They would see us on Monday and everything would resume as normal. I thought that might make it easier because they wouldn't be sad. But I think it made it harder for me because they didn't know that this was the end. I would never return to play with them. I also went and said goodbye to all of the kids sleeping in their cribs which was a special but sad moment. The tears eventually came (which for any of you who know me knows that that is a rare occurrence), and me and the other girls walked through the orphanage doors for the last time.
     This experience has changed my life. It has made me have a bigger desire to serve, a greater understanding of the love I receive from my parents and my Father in Heaven, a larger appreciation for cultures other than my own, and a deeper gratitude for the life I was given. It has made me more confident, more loving, more kind, and more willing to stand up for what I believe in. I am beyond grateful that I was able to learn so much with this experience and I can't wait to see where in life it will take me. Thank you for all of your love and support and following me on this extraordinary adventure. I can't wait to see you all soon!

Preparing for My Final Goodbye

     God is real. And God is good. The best way for me to describe this past week is a whirlwind of emotions. At the beginning of the week I was thinking about how hard it would be for me to say goodbye to my kiddos. How much I would miss this entire experience, both the good and the bad. I knew that as this weekend came closer, my emotions would get deeper. I knew that I would want to stay forever and couldn't bare the thought of leaving. Well, God knew it too. I prayed for help getting through this week and He answered my prayers in a few different ways.
     The first answered prayer came on Monday. My roommates and I all woke up with a bunch of bites all over our arms and legs that itched like none other. The doctor informed us that we must have a flea infestation. A few days later we found a huge cockroach sitting in the middle of our kitchen. None of my roommates were brave enough to deal with it so I was the lucky girl who got to pick up and flush the cockroach down the toilet. However, apparently they float and so it wouldn't flush! So I had to scoop it out of the toilet (with the toilet scrub brush) and fold it in toilet paper so it would go down. It was a rather proud moment of mine and I have video footage of the whole ordeal but it won't let me upload so just ask me in person next week if you really want to see it.
     Another way that my prayers were answered is the food situation here. I am definitely not a picky eater and I will eat or drink pretty much anything you put in front of me except licorice or milk. So although the food here is not ideal, I haven't had a problem eating it. However, once Monday came it was like a switch was flipped. I can barely eat any of the food they bring. Even the meals that I semi-enjoyed before taste gross. I never want to see cabbage ever again. At first I was annoyed with myself because I was so hungry all of the time! And I wanted so badly to just have normal food. Like Kraft Mac and Cheese. I hate Mac and Cheese out of the box but that is the one thing from home that I have missed the most. That and chocolate milkshakes. And Taco Bell.
     The final answer to my prayers occurred Tuesday afternoon while I was at the orphanage. I was feeding one of the little guys who is severely disabled and needs to be bottle fed. I laid him down on my lap so this head was resting on my legs and I had my head bent over smiling at him while I tried to get him to eat whatever questionable substance they put in the bottle. All of a sudden he coughed really loud and the only way I can describe what happened is this: imagine that his mouth was a whale's spout and instead of water coming out of the spout it was the entire contents of this little three year old boys stomach. So before I could even process what had happened, I was covered in throw up along with the poor boys face, my entire lap, my arms, the bed we were sitting on, and the poor little girl who was innocently sitting nearby. My first instinct was to yell for Katie (who was in the other room feeding another kid) to come and help. Then one of the workers came in and ran over and was trying to wipe it off of me the best she could while saying "sorry" over and over again. Soon after I was able to go and clean myself up and change into another set of scrubs but I was quite the scene before that. But I can now say that I have been projectile vomited on by a child so it brings me one step closer to motherhood. Sorry for the gross details but believe it or not I held back on most of them.
     These may not seem like answers to prayers but they made me have a bigger desire to go home to Oregon where there are no cockroaches and my chances of getting fleas and lice and other nasty bug infestations are very limited. Where Taco Bell is a short drive away, and Mac and Cheese can be bought and prepared in less than an hour. Where I won't have to worry everyday about whether I'll get bit, slobbered all over, or spit up on by my kids. Each night this week I would climb into my springy bed with scratchy blankets and count down the hours until I can be in my own warm bed at home.
     So now that you probably think I am a heartless person for looking forward to returning to my home, let me save my reputation. Yes, living in a foreign country is hard. Yes, I miss my friends and family. Yes, I can't wait until I can communicate with strangers again. But even after God sent me gross bugs, uncomfortable living situations, food that makes me sick, and even projectile vomit, leaving Romania will be the hardest thing I have ever experienced. The goodbye that is about to occur is worse than every single trial I have had to go through combined. I have tried to keep myself occupied this week and my mind filled with thoughts not related to the reality that is about to hit me head-on. Tomorrow will be full of heartache, tears, sadness, and many many hugs and kisses as I say goodbye to my kids for forever. Nevertheless I am thankful that I have something that makes saying goodbye so hard. I know that God sent me here to these angels and that he will help me get through parting from them. Because God is real. And God is good.

At the Orphanage!

This place has become my happy place and one of my favorite places in the world.

My last day at the hospital! It was sad to say goodbye to all of the sweet kids there.

With Romanian Santa!

Going to miss these girls so much!

Changing the World One Smile at a Time

     Good news everyone! I was able to have more dance parties this week. These spontaneous moments of joy occurred while I was visiting some of the orphans who are in the hospital. There is one particular girl who we visit quite frequently because she is in the hospital fairly often. She is probably two years old and has a skin condition that causes large sores and blisters all over her body. The doctors aren't sure what causes the wounds but one cause could be human contact. This means that we can't touch her and have to be careful with how we play with her. She is always stuck in her crib and constantly has her hands, feet, and most of her body wrapped up in bandages.
     Now that I've told you about this girl, let me really tell you about her. She is such a sweetheart. She is usually playing with a toy or eating a cookie when we come into her room and the only person who might smile bigger than she does when we see her is me. I have never seen this strong little girl upset. Her many bandages and constant pain never seem to phase her. Her quality of life at this point is not ideal but her quality of happiness is the most wonderful thing I can imagine one having.
     Our favorite thing to do with her is have dance parties. We put on music and dance around the room all crazy while she sits in her crib and watches. Occasionally she will bob her head along or clap her hands but most of the time she sits and stares at us like we are crazy. The nurses (who all obviously love this sweet girl) will often poke their heads in and laugh along with us at her amusement. At the end of the song she will always giggle and smile and clap for us. Dancing around in this girls room is something that I will genuinely miss and I will definitely be holding dance parties in her honor in the future. Like many of the children here, she has left her mark on my heart. She has taught me that appearances are next to nothing compared to our character. She has taught me not to complain ever again about blemishes on my face. But most of all she has taught me that I can do hard things. She was dealt a hard life and at two years old has chosen to live it with joy.
     When I first visited the hospital four long months ago I remember having a conversation with the other girls about the hardships the kids here have. We talked about how blessed we are to have been born into the families and lifestyles that we were born into. How it is not fair to these children to have been born into their situations. I have thought a lot about this and I have come up with an explanation. These children were sent here to change the world. They were given the hardships they were given in order to teach others important lessons that we would not otherwise learn. To teach us to be strong, to love others unconditionally, to be thankful for what we have, to be brave, be kind, be selfless. So why did I and so many others get to grow up in a safe and loving home in the most safe and secure place? I honestly think that it is because I might not have been strong enough. These kids who I have the blessing to interact with on a daily basis are the strongest humans that I have met. That is why they were chosen to be given the lifestyle that they have. Because they are strong enough.
     Although they are young, and fragile, and sometimes can be a bit of a handful, they are the ones who can change the world for the better. I believe that they have that ability. I know that there are hundreds of inspirational speakers and thousands of people who dedicate their lives to serving and helping others but the kids here have a special gift. They inspire, help, and bring joy to others simply by living. By existing. And I will forever be thankful for them.

Here are some pictures from the past week:

It was pretty cold this week and so we had to get creative with how to stay warm.

This adorable puppy followed me home all the way from the orphanage and sat outside my building whining when I had to go inside without him. It broke my heart that I couldn't keep him!

Me and all of the girls in the orphanage!

This is Teo. She does so much for the kids in the orphanage and is the greatest example of kindness and selflessness that I have seen. I will miss her a lot.

We sang in church today for a special Christmas music program. Regan and I were matching! 

These are the girl and sister missionaries who sang with us. The Elder's sang too but are not in the picture.

Tender Mercies and Spontaneous Dance Parties

     A few nights ago I had a dream that had a really big impact on me. In this dream I was home in Oregon and I was at my grandparent's with all of my family members. My aunts, uncles, and cousins were all there and the dream seemed very realistic. In the dream my family members were all asking me about my time in Romania and I was enthusiastically telling them all about my kids. I was telling them that I still had two more weeks to spend time with them, when all of a sudden I realized that I was already home in Oregon. In my dream I started to panic. Where did my last two weeks go? I should still have time with my kids. I never got to say goodbye. How will they know how much I love them? I had a pretty dramatic meltdown at the realization that my final two weeks here in Romania had disappeared and I did not get the chance to say my final goodbye's.
     When I woke up from my dream I remembered the details pretty vividly. I was very upset and thought about how horrible of a dream it was. And how awful it would be if it actually came true. After pondering this dream all day and sharing it with some of the other girls here, I came to the realization that my dream was actually a huge blessing. It gave me perspective that I was too afraid to gain on my own. I did not want to allow myself to think that I would be leaving my kids for forever in fourteen days. That I only had ten more opportunities to walk into that wonderful room to be greeted by their beautiful faces. That I would only get to visit the hospital three more times and see my kids at the apartments one final time on Tuesday. I had been avoiding reality and all of the pain and sadness and finality that it held. This dream opened the gates to it all and allowed me to see clearly that my time in Romania is quickly coming to an end and, more importantly, helped me understand the significance of that.
     When I return home to America, I don't want to wonder where my final two weeks went. I want to make my final moments with my kids count. I want to be able to properly say goodbye to each and every one of them. And I do not want any of my kids to doubt the extreme amount of love that I hold for them. So I made myself a promise. For my last two weeks I am going to make every moment count. I will memorize the dimples in the cheeks of their smiling faces and the sound of each unique giggle that escapes each of their mouths. I will show extra interest and excitement in the small victories that my kids achieve each and every day. I will be extra helpful for the workers in the orphanage to help lighten the load for them. I want to leave Romania with no regrets and with the knowledge that I did everything I could to help my kids before I left.
     This promise extends beyond the orphanage. I also want to embrace the culture here in Romania as much as I can before I leave. Before I came here I did not know much about Romania and it was not a significant country to me. However, I can confidently leave here considering it my second home. I have grown to love the people and the places and even the annoyingly obnoxious pigeons that are literally everywhere. This past week was National Day in Romania which is like their Independence Day. They turned on all of the Christmas lights around the city and had music playing and shops set up everywhere. We went out to see it all one night and as I was walking along the streets with all of the locals, I couldn't help but feel joy and love towards them all. We bought mini Romanian flags and waved them all around the city showing our Romanian pride. I will cherish that little flag for a long time.
     One thing that I have missed more than I thought I would while living in Romania is singing and dancing and rocking out to music. At home, I love having spontaneous dance parties and rocking out to music in my car whenever I have to drive somewhere. I have not had any opportunities to do this in Romania UNTIL this past week. I was at one of the apartments with another girl and we were hanging out and playing with four kids between the ages of one and five. We had about fifteen minutes until we had to leave and the worker put on some music for us to dance to. Usually the music is in Romanian or children's music that is impossible to dance to. However, this time it was real music that I could totally rock out to! I started dancing and the kids sorta just sat there and looked at me like I was crazy at first but soon they joined in and we started our own little full-on dance party. I scooped up one of the boys and we were bouncing around the room while I pulled out my best moves. As the room filled up with excitement and laughter, my heart was filling up with love and joy.
     As I was leaving the apartment, I came to the realization that this was my last time at this specific apartment and that I would have to say my final goodbye's. I gave them each a big hug and a kiss, said "bu bye" and left the apartment with nothing but good memories and a saddened but full heart. I have come to recognize that there are so many small tender mercies around us that we need to do a better job at recognizing and appreciating. They can be as simple as a spontaneous dance party with toddlers, a hug from a child you thought was afraid of you, or even a bad dream that gives you some needed perspective. So what are some small tender mercies that you have received lately? I promise that if you take the time to think about it, you can find tender mercies almost anywhere. And if you can't think of any, I recommend having a spontaneous dance party with some toddlers. It's bound to bring a smile to your face and that in itself is one of the greatest tender mercies of all.

Me with some of my roommates. It is getting very cold here and we have to bundle up whenever we leave the house.

At church! Only a few Sunday's left and I will miss the small but faithful branch members here!

These are the apartments where some of the orphans live that we visit each day.

Celebrating National Day!

The Romanian flag projected onto the Palace.

Me with my Romanian Flag!

Thankful for Smiles

With Thanksgiving being this week I made a larger effort to think about what I am most thankful for. In many years past I have stated that I am thankful for my wonderful family, friends, a roof over my head, food on my table, opportunity for a good education, and many other things I have been blessed with in this life. However, this year my eyes have been opened to a completely new world and perspective that exists and I am most thankful for something a bit more obscure. This thanksgiving, I am most thankful for smiles.
Living in Romania has given me so many opportunities to learn lessons that would have otherwise taken me years to learn. I have learned to laugh through the seemingly tragic yet trivial trials, see the good in the worst situations, stand up tall and firm for what I believe in most, continuously be sympathetic and kind towards everyone no matter any circumstances, and to appreciate the little things in life the most. I have learned that I was given more blessings in my life than one needs to be happy and therefore I have no reason to resent or complain about those blessings. I have learned not to envy others or wish my life was like someone else's because if my life was any different than it is now, it would not be my life. And my life has been pretty incredible because it has led me to meet my beautiful kids who have touched my heart in a million different ways. Besides the many different things my kids teach me each and every day about life, or the endless amounts of hugs and kisses I receive, there is one thing that they give me that I value the most: their smiles.
Some may think that being thankful for smiles is silly. A smile is a reflex. A person smiles hundreds or even a thousand times in a single day without even having to think about it. I never gave any thought to smiles before coming to Romania. To me, a smile was a simple and easy way to let the world know you weren't in a bad mood. But then I came to Romania and discovered that a smile means so much more than that. Sometimes, a smile is all I have to hang on to in a dark and heartbreaking day full of unfortunate circumstances.
None of my kids speak English and only a few can even speak Romanian. Some are blind or deaf, some can't speak at all, some can't move their arms, their legs, or any part of their body. However, the one thing that every single one of my kids can do is smile. Other than crying, it is the only way they have to communicate their mood. When I see them and think about how they got to this point in their life with no family and an unknown knowledge of their future, I have an unyielding desire to help them. I don't know what a twenty year old girl like me from Portland Oregon can do to change the lives of these precious kids, so I do what I know how to do. I love them. I tickle their tummies, I hold their hands, I sing them songs, I tell them stories, I pretend to drink "apa" from a tiny toy cup. And a smile is all that they can give me in return. Yet I would do just about anything for these kids just to see them smile.
A smile from my kids is not just a reflex. It is not just a way for them to let me know that they aren't unhappy. To me, their smiles are a confirmation. It means that even if just for a brief second, the heavy burden they are bearing is lifted from their shoulders. It means that in that moment, their situation in life doesn't matter. It means that for right now, they are free to be happy. When I see their smiles it means that even if it is just for today, their life was made a little brighter and a little less scary. Their smiles teach me to take whatever difficult thing life gives me and somehow find the joy.
 Although many of my kids are unaware of their situation, I believe that they know more than we think. They are taught to call us mama yet we as volunteers continue to abandon them every few months. They each have a bed and plenty of toys to play with, and clean clothes to wear, but do they have anything of their own? Everything I have grown up being thankful for in my life exists in their life as well but it is not theirs to keep. The one unique thing they have to themselves that they can share with others is their smile. And they continue to share it with me every single day.
So now I ask you, what does a smile mean to you? Smiles can be found anywhere. You smile when you greet someone, when you pose for a picture, when you hear something funny, or when you remember a fond memory. But think of the last time you REALLY smiled. I'm talking about gums showing, dimples appearing, nose crinkling, and eye squinting, goofy smile. If it wasn't in the last twenty four hours, go find something to smile about right now. It can be spending time with a loved one, watching your favorite movie, or reading your favorite joke. The world needs more smiles. It is more than a reflex. More than a way to show you are not unhappy. A warm smile is the universal language of kindness. And I am so incredibly thankful for them.

Here are some pictures from my recent weekend trip to Bucharest:

This bookstore was so cool! It was huge and had winding staircases and so many books and games.

We got to go see an Opera at the Opera House in Bucharest! It was in Italian and so I had no idea what was going on 98% of the time but the music was beautiful and I loved it. We got to sit up in a box to ourselves which was cool too.

The Opera House was beautiful!

At the Botanical Gardens in Bucharest.

Found these super cool Romanian glasses. Still regretting not buying them...

This is the Parliament House. It is the heaviest building in the world, second largest administrative building, and third overall largest building in the world. It's huge!

Lezioni Da Imparare (Lessons to Learn)

This past weekend I had the incredible opportunity to explore the beautiful country of Italy. We stayed in Bologna which is a small city with a large amount of beauty within it. We had a lot of fun exploring the city and trying out the different foods there. My favorites were the pasta and pizza. We also explored the cities of Venice and Florence. Venice was absolutely beautiful and one of my favorite places that I have seen here in Europe. We wandered through the streets doing some sight seeing and window shopping and taking endless amounts of pictures along the way. We also took a gondola ride through the canals that run throughout the city. Our guides name was Alvize and he was very cute. He told us all about the history of Venice and even sang to us in Italian for part of it. Florence was also beautiful and despite the rainy weather we enjoyed our time there. Italy is a place I look forward to traveling back to.

The people in Italy were especially welcoming and friendly. In fact, there was a 50 year old woman in our hostel with us and asked me to braid her hair one morning. After braiding it she tried to give me all of these gifts to take with me but none would fit in my backpack. I tried to explain that to her but she just gave me a bag to put them in. A few mornings later she came into our room at 6am and asked me to braid her hair again. I reluctantly got out of bed while she asked if I wanted her to make me hot tea or coffee. After braiding her hair I quickly headed back to bed before she could try and give me more gifts. I also helped out an older woman staying in our hostel in Greece and I have concluded that for some reason, foreign old ladies love me and want me to help them so they can give me gifts. This will hopefully come in handy as I do more traveling in the future.

Italy concluded our big vacations that we will go on and, although I loved seeing different parts of Europe, I am a bit relieved. Traveling as often as we were gets exhausting and I am excited to finally just focus on my orphanage kids! People have asked me if I am still working in the orphanage and the answer is a big yes! I have been working there for three hours everyday Monday through Friday as well as visiting orphans in apartments and the hospital. I am so sad that I can't take pictures to show you because they are seriously the cutest kids.

The outside of the orphanage. With all of the leaves changing colors and falling, Romania has gotten even more beautiful.

This past week I have been thinking a lot about the lessons that I have learned from my kids and this experience. There have been a lot of negativity going on lately especially on social media. Social media is the only way I have to connect to my friends and family is America and so it has been hard for me to stay positive here in Romania. However, I read a quote a few days ago by Thomas S. Monson that helped me focus on what is important and gain some perspective. The quote is, "We are blessed with so very much. And yet it is sometimes difficult to view the problems and permissiveness around us and not become discouraged. I have found that, rather than dwelling on the negative, if we will take a step back and consider the blessings in our lives, including seemingly small, sometimes overlooked blessings, we can find greater happiness." For the past three months I have been surrounded by a large number of seemingly small and sometimes overlooked blessings. Sometimes, especially at the beginning of my time here, I felt as though those were the only blessings I was receiving. However, these have been my favorite and some of the most important blessings that I have ever received. Here are some moments that I have experienced in the orphanage that are examples of those small but mighty blessings:

A few days ago I was sitting in my room at the orphanage with my friend Katie and one of the little boys that we take care of. This particular little boy is pretty disabled and is not able to communicate or walk. He spends his days sitting on a mattress on the floor and his favorite thing to do is listen to the different sounds that toys make or feel the different textures of the toys. We can entertain him for hours by shaking a toy that rattles or spinning wheels on toy cars. He is so funny because if we stop he will grab our hand and put it back on the toy so that we will continue. This is about as much interaction as we get out of him. On this specific day I was upset about a few different things that were unrelated to the orphanage and I was talking to Katie about everything going on while shaking a toy for him. As I kept talking I was slowly getting more upset and worked up about everything. All of a sudden, the little boy sat straight up and looked right at me. I stopped mid-sentence and Katie and I both were taken by surprise. Then, with no warning, he launched his small body towards me and threw his arms around my neck giving me the biggest hug that I have ever received. I was completely shocked, but quickly hugged him back. He pulled away to look me in the eyes again and then went back in for another hug. He did this for a solid 10 minutes until the workers and the other kids came back into the room. Then he focused his attention back on the toy in my hand and went on as if nothing had happened. I sat there stunned and with tears in my eyes. I could not believe that this one boy who had such limited abilities knew that I needed a hug at that moment. This small act of love meant more to me in that moment than anything else that anyone could have done. I will value that moment and the hugs I received from him more than any physical gift I could have been given. He has taught me that no matter your situation and circumstances, you should always be aware of others feelings and willing to offer up acts of service and love no matter how convenient.

There have been many other similar moments like that that have occurred in the orphanage. Whenever one of the boys walks into the room he runs towards me with his arms open wide so I can give him a big hug. The only problem is that he has very bad balance and often falls over a few times before reaching me. However, he never takes his eyes off of me or takes the smile off of his face and his falls never seem to phase him. This makes the moment he reaches me and can give me a huge hug so much sweeter. He has taught me that no matter how many times you fall, don't let those moments of weakness take away your determination or excitement for what you are striving to reach.

Another boy does not like sharing his toys with anyone. He is obsessed with toys that could potentially hold "apa" (water). He always has plastic cups and spoons to "mix" whatever he is creating. If any of the other kids try to take his toys and toy cups he throws a huge fit. However, whenever I go over to sit with him, he is more than eager to share his "apa" with me. I can sit and pretend to drink water from cups and bowls for hours with him. Him and I have built a relationships and he has made the decision to trust me with his most prized toys. This boy has taught me to fight for what I want but to share everything I have with those I love. Because that is when his smile is the biggest and his love felt the most.

Those are just a few examples of what I have learned in the orphanage. These kids are small and innocent and can't communicate with me in the way that many others can. They may seem like seemingly small and sometimes overlooked blessings that have been put into my life. However, these kids and the lessons they have taught me will substantially influence my life and have a lasting effect on the way I view and treat others. So although they may not have the opportunity to interact with many people outside of the orphanage, they have each changed my life and I hope that through me, they can change your lives as well. So this week I hope you all think less about the hardships and trials occurring in the world and instead focus on the seemingly small and overlooked blessings that you do have. I can promise you that it will bring you a greater happiness and joy for life. I see it everyday in the ten wonderful children I am blessed to care for.